Who Is Speaking For Your Vagina?

I’m going to begin this little column with
something we’re taught never, ever to do –
start a piece of writing with someone else’s
quote.
But when you read this next piece, I’d like you
to think about your body, your vulva, your
vagina, your sex, orgasm and pleasure (or
lack thereof)…
‘To love women, to love our vaginas, to know
them and touch them and be familiar with
who we are and what we need. To satisfy
ourselves, to teach our lovers to satisfy us, to
be present in our vaginas, to speak of them
out loud, to speak of their hunger and pain
and loneliness and humor, to make them
visible so they cannot be ravaged in the dark
without great consequence, so that our
center, our point, our motor, our dream, is no
longer detached, mutilated, numb, broken,
invisible, or ashamed…’
That’s by Eve Ensler, creator of the 1996
award-winning The Vagina Monolgues. You
might’ve heard about it. In 2006, New York
Times called it the ‘most important piece of
political theatre in the last decade’.
Maybe it’s too political (Or wordy? Or
intelligent?) for mainstream publications to
print, but I couldn’t help thinking about it
when flipped to page 126 of the latest
Women’s Health (May 2015) issue to read up
about the ‘21 secrets my vagina would share
if it could talk’.
I mean who wouldn’t want to know, right?
To give you some background, I was
checking this issue out because I’d been
asked to give a little yadda yadda about their
annual sex stats. But I got stuck on this
‘vagina’ page and couldn’t let it go. It’s
mesmerizing.
First off, readers are presented by images of a
beaver. Yes, an actual beaver. Because lad
language and imagery denigrating women’s
body parts is so hilarious. Ha ha ha.
Incidentally, ‘beaver’ is a derogatory word
associated with the pubic area, not the
vagina, and it’s believed that the term
originates from the 15th century when sex
workers were expected to wear merkins
made of beaver pelt when a lice epidemic
forced everyone to go bald.
But I digress.
Next to all the beavers, is a quote smack-
bang in the middle of the double-page spread
from Josh Burt, under the header ‘What he’s
thinking down there’.
It’s a short piece, but it gets the message
across you apparently need to hear about
what men think about your vagina:
‘I approach vaginas with a sense of anxious
doom…’, ‘Let’s face it: vaginas look gross,
they smell weird and break every rule of being
dainty and feminine by daring to grow hair
around themselves…’, ‘Men talk about tits
and bums until the cows come home, but few
will admit to being a “vagina guy”.’
And more than just looking and smelling
terrible, you can rest assured that trying to
figure it out is also just too much of a
challenge. ‘Frankly we’re too busy working
out the mechanics to offer some real artistic
appreciation,’ he says. ‘There’s just too much
to figure out… .’
Fortunately, the piece ends on an uplifting
note: ‘There are no good or bad vaginas, they
just are. We love them with unthinkable
passion.’
Well that’s good to hear. You’re ugly, gross,
smelly and your orgasm is super complicated
to figure out, but we like fucking you anyway.
Now, I actually have no problem with Josh’s
opinion. It’s his opinion and he is entitled to
it.
My question is why a women’s magazine
chooses to highlight this very narrow, body-
shaming view? It’s not difficult to find men
who actually like – heavens, even love –
women’s bodies. Hell, if you can’t find a man,
I know many lesbians who would happily
provide their thoughts on the joy of the
pussy.
Do we need to hear a man’s view tell us we’re
‘smelly’, ‘gross’ and ugly? Do we need
pictures of big, hairy animals with captions
saying it might be time for a wax? It’s no
secret that women have enough trouble
trying to accept their bodies, is it really
necessary to body shame their genitals as
well?
Should we expect more from our women-
centered magazines?
In an industry that is driven by highlighting
shortcomings can we expect change in the
language used to speak to women? Can we
move away from old, patriarchal views that
other and shame women’s bodies? Especially
when there’s a move to educate around a
topic so habitually objectified, shamed and
misunderstood?
How do we expect to hand down or share
healthier views on sex and body, to our
daughters, sons, sisters, friends and the men
in our life, if the mouthpieces of our time – the
women around us – are still telling us we’re
kinda gross and unacceptable?
I know there are magazines doing some good
work towards this and I know that Women’s
Health is not the only women’s magazine
dishing out this thoughtless, everyday
misogyny. But if you’re going to punt a whole
‘sex ed’ type section about what my vagina is
telling me, at least get it right.
Because my vagina would rather speak Eve
Ensler than Josh Burt.
And frankly this kind of ‘let’s stop being
crappy to each other’ conversation is getting
boring now.