I was prompted to write this column
the other day after I was propositioned by a
very charming, but woefully naïve, man. Let’s
call him Garçon.
After arranging a drinks meet, Garçon told me
that he believed I would make a good person to
teach him about slow sex.
‘I’m very experienced,’ he said. ‘I’ve had had
sex with many women – and many different
types of women. But this slow sex, this
“intimacy”, thing is something I’d like to try
now. And I think you would be good for this;
that you could teach me this.’
Also read: 4 things guys think when you go
down on them
Garçon added that he wasn’t interested in a
relationship, that he was in love with several
other women, and that he didn’t ‘do’ dates. The
upside for me was that we would have fun.
Sounds like a win-win right? Obviously I
declined his smashing offer.
‘Slow sex’ is really just a rebranding of several
Tantric tenets, and is now on the market as a
spin-off of the slow food movement.
If you don’t know, ‘slow food’ started off as the
soft backlash against the conveyer-belt,
"bigger-better-best" attitude to food we
consume. The idea is that adding time, quality
ingredients and care to the production of your
artisanal red velvet cupcake, for example, will
make for a better eating experience than the
McMuffin you threw down your gob this
morning.
Slow food principles apply nicely to sex: invest
your time, quality and care to your love-making
and your experience will simply be better.
Also read: 4 reasons men love seeing you
orgasm
Basically it is the exact opposite of the McFuck
hook-up culture. It’s about taking time to
explore whole-body pleasure as opposed to
rushing to penetration and orgasm. It’s about
learning the slow, deep grind as opposed to
banging away relentlessly until you’ve
‘achieved’ orgasm in under a minute.
It is being present, not getting lost in a fantasy.
It’s using all your senses instead of focusing
attention just on your genitals. It’s being honest
about where your body is at instead of trying to
force fun or orgasm with gadgets, gimmicks
and crazy positions.
Mostly? It’s about cultivating intimacy and
connection: making love with your eyes open.
It’s an uncomfortable space for people used to
distracting themselves away from being
emotionally open and vulnerable.
Tantricas will call it ‘building a fire’; the slow
and steady, the bliss dance, riding the wave...
in this space you’re not concerned with how
you look, performance anxiety or being the best
lay. You’re taking the time to touch, taste and
just to be physically, emotionally and spiritually
present with the person you’re into.
It’s not something you hook up with the
Garçons of the world to do. You don’t give
someone gems when they’re offering you
potatoes.
You try slow sex with the man or woman you
trust and love. Or at least with someone you
trust to be as emotionally open as you will be.
I find it interesting that these ancient principles
of human sexual and emotional connection are
finding resurgence just as the Cult of Whatever
and the pornification of our sex lives is
snowballing to epic proportions. But we’re
human after all, and no amount of balling is
going to override our need to connect.
Maybe it’s a pity that slow sex is something we
need to learn to do. But, then again, no one
becomes a great cook without a recipe at some
point.
