The Difference Between 'Making Love' And 'Sex'

It is often said that “making love” is just
an euphemism for “having sex.” To be sure,
these terms are frequently used
interchangeably. Unfortunately, this
common use (or misuse) can mask the
important distinction between these 2
activities. Indeed many people who have
“good sex” mistake it for love only to find
out that their apparent lover was not the
person with whom they cared to spend
their life with.
This is not to proclaim the moral, or
prudential, superiority of making love.
Indeed some would prefer to just have
sex. “Sex alleviates Tension,” “Love
causes it.” (tension) Still, it is important
that one gets what one wants.Of course,
making love (as distinct from being in
love) necessarily involves having sex. But
having sex, even great sex, is not
necessarily making love, for example just
as a nice cool beer is not a glass of wine.
Truly, some may prefer the taste of the
one to the other, and a beer may be the
drink of choice on a given occasion (say,
at a BBQ party); but it would indeed be
unfortunate if one ordered a glass of
Guinness in an intimate setting and was
served a glass of Star.
So are you making love or just having
sex? Are you getting what you really
want? And if not, how can you get it?
The first of these 3 questions can be
answered only if one knows the difference
between having sex versus making love.
But this, in turn, requires pinning down
the meanings of each. Procreation is not
the essential purpose of having sex; so
you are not doing anything wrong (that
is, misusing your body) if you are having
sex without trying to get pregnant.
Indeed, according to research , there is no
essential purpose to sex beyond fulfilling
your desire for contact with another
person’s body.
In as much as sex is a desire for physical
contact with someone else’s body, it is a
mechanical activity. Rubbing, Touching,
Caressing, Kissing, Sucking and, of course,
Intercourse, as fulfillments of a desire for
physical contact, are all sexual activities
in this sense. Here, a key word is
“mechanical” because these activities are
essentially ways of mechanically
stimulating or arousing oneself. Per se,
they are self-regarding; they seek self-
gratification, fulfillment of a purely self-
interested desire. As distinct from mere
sex, love-making dissolves the gap
between “you” and “me.” The resolution,
however, is not “us” because “we” can
still be divided. Instead, in love-making
there is the mutual consciousness of
unbounded unity without partition, love is
“composed of a single soul inhabiting two
bodies.” In making love, your loins are
mine, and mine are yours. The titillations of
mine are yours also, and yours mine My
past, present, and future; my hopes,
dreams, and expectation; and yours,
merge as one—not two—persons, It is an
ecstatic feeling that defies any breach in
Oneness. It takes two to Tango, and so
too does it take (at least) two to make
love. Unreciprocated love-making is
unsuccessful love-making. The flames of
love-making are quick to die when one
gives oneself, body and soul, only to be
turned away. Where the other seeks only
a body, wanting only sex, love-making is
squandered even if it is not (at least at
first) apparent to the one attempting to
make love. It is a counterfeit if based on
pretense because there is duality, not
unity, and there is manipulation and
objectification, not authentic, mutual
respect.
For you, is it love making or just sex?
(1.) It may be “making love” if both
people’s entire bodies are loved on. It
may be only “having sex” if it’s mostly
about the genitals and what’s done with
them.
(2.) If all sorts of different emotions are
felt during a sexual encounter, these
emotions can be shared and also
empathized with, its more likely to be
“making love”. If only sexual feelings are
felt and shown, it’s more likely to be
“having sex”.
(3.) Possibly it’s “making love” when
there is the inclusion of the very tender,
the closely intimate, and the sweetly
precious along with the passionate and
the powerful. Possibly it’s “having sex”
when it’s all simple, raw, quick, rough or
boring sex.
(4.) It may be “about love” if “No” is an
OK answer to a sexual request. It may be
just “having power trip sex” if sexual
desires are expressed as demands,
followed by punishing rejection if the
demands are not complied with.
(5.) If before, during, and after a sexual
episode you feel a pleasing sense of
warmth and a happy sense of bonding, it
could be “making love”. If these or similar
feelings are lacking, even if it was
fantastically great sex, it may not have
been making love but rather “having sex”.
(6.) In an ongoing series of sexual events
with a partner, it’s more likely to be
“making love” if there is a fairly wide
variety in the intensity, amount of time,
and amount of energy involved and,
therefore, lazy sex, silly sex, mental sex,
sleepy sex, and no climax sex can all be
part of the ongoing picture. It’s more
likely to be “having sex” if it’s usually
pretty much the same experience over and
over again.
(7.) When having sex makes you want to
know and experience your partner more,
be increasingly close, and do more of life
together, it is more likely to be “making
love”. If having sex ends with just a
feeling of being finished and wanting to
get on with something else apart from
your partner, it could be just “having sex”.
(8.) If following sex there is an inner
dialogue of self-demeaning focus or
partner-demeaning focus, criticism,
derogatory thoughts, etc. it’s more likely
to have been just a form of poor
conflicted “having sex”. If, however, after
sex there is an inner and outer dialogue of
affirmation, appreciation, honoring and
celebration, it may have been “making
love”.
(9.) It may be “making love” if there are
lots of responding in kind to each loving
touch, movement, word, kiss, sound,
caress, look, etc.. It may be “having sex”
if there is only short, mild, or no
responsiveness, or if responses are made
only to that which is blatantly sexual.
(10.) It could be about “making love” if
whatever you want, or don’t want, can be
talked about freely and lovingly. It may be
“having poor or restricted sex” if there are
earnest putdowns, critical remarks,
rejection statements, or shaming words
and actions given for expressing different
sexual thoughts or desires.
(11.) It could be making love if there is
as much, or more focus on pleasuring as
being pleasured. It’s more likely just to
be having sex if satisfaction of the self is
the prime goal.
(12.) ‘Wild sex’, ‘kinky sex’, ‘dirty sex’,
etc. all can be part of making love if there
is real care and concern for a sex
partner’s happiness and well-being along
with adequate safeguarding. All the many
forms of sexuality without loving care and
concern as an integrated part just may be
different ways to be having sex.
(13.) It really could be making love if all
levels and types of one’s physical sexual
response and reaction system are
acceptable and lovingly treated. If the
physical sexual system of the self, or of
the partner, does not respond as desired
and that leads to emotional and/or
relational dissonance, it probably is more
about sex than love.
(14) It is more likely to be love making if
there are a lot of mutual all over gentle
caresses, tender kisses, terms of
endearment, cuddles, and loving looks
leading up to, during and especially
following orgasms or following a nap after
orgasm. It might be having sex if all
that’s going on are actions that directly
assist getting to a climax.
(15) Making love more likely is occurring
when there are feelings of deep
connectedness, high appreciation and high
valuing of the unique personal aspects of
the partner and of the relationship with
the partner. If there are worries about
what the partner is thinking of you, of
your sexual expertise, of your masculinity
or femininity, of your attractiveness, etc.
then maybe it’s more about having
insecure sex.
(16) If there are repeated insistences or
demands for certain sex practices
(including intercourse and climax), and
without those practices bad feelings and
relationship troubles occur, it might be
more about having sex than making love.
If there is a free-flowing variety of sexual
requests with alternates being lovingly
accepted ,then it’s more likely to be
about making love.
(17) It’s much more likely to be about
love making when sexual encounters lead
to a greater love of life, general sense of
being uplifted, sense of awe, appreciation
of beauty and higher self love. If the
experience leads to a sense of lowered
self worth, to indifference, to a desire to
get away, to a sense of lonely aloneness
or despair, etc. it may have been having
unfulfilling sex.
(18) When there is a sense of conquest,
scoring, using, defeating, proving potency
or self importance, of lowering another’s
value, getting even, etc. it’s not likely to
be about making love. When there is a
sense of mutual enrichment, shared joy,
giving and getting benefit, and having
done a really good, natural thing then it’s
much more likely to be making love.
(19) If there are restrictions on verbal or
behavioral expressions of strong,
vigorous, powerful, potent sexuality along
with insistence on only verbally
expressing reassurance, commitment,
devotion, or tender love and on all sex
actions being mild, it could be that having
insecurity-filled sex is what’s really
happening. When a wide variety of
expressions of sexuality along with free-
flowing expressions of love are being
enjoyed, lovemaking with eroticism is
more likely.
(20) Feeling proud, blessed, delighted,
cherished, sublime, glorious, excellent,
and of course well loved tends to go with
quality love making.
(21) If there is a lot of guilt, shame,
disgust, fear, depression, anxiety,
repulsion, etc. then it seems there
probably is not enough healthy self-love
and self care happening while having sex.
If there is a sense of healthy self-
fulfillment, mixed with care and concern
for a partner’s pleasure, well-being and
fulfillment, then love making more likely is
occurring.
(22) If when contemplating a sexual
encounter there is a fear of failing,
performing inadequately, not living up to a
standard, or somehow being insufficient
then perhaps it’s about having
‘performance’ sex. When whatever
happens is okay and able to be treated
with mutual lovingness and fun, and when
there is a continuance of sensuous and
loving actions even when there is a
‘oops’, then good healthy making love
more probably is in evidence.
(23) It probably just was having great sex
if wonderful erotic excitement, intense
pleasure and saturating satisfaction
resulted. However, if there also was
added feelings of marvelous union, cosmic
connection and spiritual elation then
possibly it was great sex with great love
making.
(24.) It’s probably making love when
there is a high valuing of the partner, the
erotic experience of the partner, and the
all over relationship with the partner. It’s
probably having sex if the sexual
experience itself is the only thing being
valued.
In conclusion it’s imperative that as
spouses, we need to self evaluate
ourselves every now and again to see if
we are satisfying ourselves in the area of
love making. Now this is to the women :
We must ensure as women we are not
just having sex with our husbands or just
sleeping with them so that they wont go
to another woman, we should try to make
love to them, satisfy them, try something
new with them and satisfy ourselves in
the process.